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How to Fight with your Spouse and WIN

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What is Winning and Losing when it comes to Fighting with Family?  Unhealthy couples fight to be right.  Healthy couples fight for resolution.

Dr. John Gottman: can watch a couple for 90 seconds and know if they are going to make it.

Proverbs 27:15 a continual dropping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

It is better to have severe hemorrhoids than to live with a jerk of a husband.  Erica 2:4

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We all Fight.

Erica and I have fought a lot in 15 years of marriage.  We have disagreed over making the bed, buying clothes, how to discipline kids, and pretty much anything else you can imagine.

All couples will fight because we are sinners.  However, Healthy couples fight fair. 

James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

3 Rules to Fight Fair

  1. Stop to Listen Carefully – quick to listen

We are often quick to prove our point. We are wanting to get a word in edgewise.

Proverbs 18: 2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

If you feel like you have to prove your point or get something across, then you are believing a lie about God. That he is not capable to defend you or make the situation right. Or that God is not the one who gives you strength and credibility.

Prove to your Spouse that you are Quick to Listen:

  • Repeat back to your spouse what he or she just said.  It lets them know what you just heard.  It keeps it focused on the topic at hand. “I understand why you feel this way when I do _______”
  • Validate the fact that the feeling is there! Whether you agree with it or not. This is crucial.

When you don’t feel like you are being heard, you will feel helpless and like there is no hope.

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